Wednesday, April 30, 2014

My Pre-Date Ritual

I’ve written about my dating life before and as I prep for a first date this evening, I thought I would share my pre-date ritual with you all.

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m not on the prowl for Mr. Right (in fact, I threw up in my mouth a little just typing that phrase). I am not super invested in dating or my romantic pursuits, and tend to get annoyed/smothered very quickly. So it should come as no surprise that I hate first dates. Like realllllly hate them. I have a few friends who claim they, “totally love first dates” and think they are super fun.

For real!

If you love first dates, I don’t understand your life. I hate first dates—they are awkward, especially if you are meeting someone from online. I don’t do well with awkward. I tend to make inappropriate comments or jokes to break the tension and that almost always backfires with me feeling more awkward than before. Usually I go into dates one of two ways: 1. Excited and thus nauseous and full of anxiety, OR 2. Unexcited, annoyed, and bored and thus full of dread. Realistically, I go into the vast majority of my first dates with the latter attitude, which I realize makes me a huge Debbie downer.


So to try to become more excited and “pumped up” for dates, I have, over the last few years, subconsciously created a Pre-Date Ritual, which I will chronicle for you here.

STEP ONE: Clarify details of said first date. Where is it? When do I need to get there? When do I need to leave my apartment by to arrive a fashionable 5-8 minutes late so that I’m not the first one there? Where can I park for free? (I refuse to pay to park. I’m not Donald Trump, people!)

STEP TWO: Groom nasty (probably greasy) short hair into something resembling the “stylish bob” my haircutter insisted she gave me. This process takes anywhere from 5 to 40 minutes depending on length since my last shower.

STEP THREE: Become frustrated with hair and feel ugly about self, so call a bestie or force roommate to give me a pep talk. This process also varies in length, which means I usually begin Pre-Date Ritual hours before actual date.

STEP FOUR: Change out of fugly granny panties into cute undies that make me feel like I’ve got my shit together. I believe you cannot be on your A-game if you are wearing nasty Hanes undies from Target that you bought four years ago.

STEP FIVE: Obsess over an outfit. Potentially take mirror selfies of outfits and send to friends to get their opinion (same rule applies for my Pre-Job Interview Ritual). Put together something tasteful clean and sophisticated acceptable to woo the gentlemen in question. Check for pit stains and smell thoroughly to make sure it isn’t a dirty shirt who tried to moonlight outside the laundry basket. Make certain not to wear a shirt that will display inevitable armpit sweat.

STEP SIX: In a burst of optimism, brush teeth. You never know.

STEP SEVEN: Spend a few more minutes obsessing over appearance. Decide outfit is all wrong and change 1-7 times.

STEP EIGHT: After GoogleMaps-ing the directions, leave apartment at a time that will allow arrival a few minutes late to avoid being a loser by themselves in a restaurant.

STEP NINE: Blast One Direction’s Best Song Ever as pump up music on car ride over. Try to get pumped up.

How could these hotties NOT pump you up?!

STEP TEN: Arrive, drive around until a free parking spot is located, and head in. Try to appear as though I have my shit together and didn’t just spend a few hours in either enthusiastic anxiety or mind-numbing dread while performing aforementioned Pre-Date Ritual.

Do any of you have a Pre-Date Ritual of your own?