Friday, July 18, 2014

Ass Kicking Total Body Workout

I thought I’d share a kick ass workout I invented a few weeks ago today, since it truly kicks my ass every time I do it. I was looking to combine cardio and strength training in preparation for the Tough Mudder (which is TOMORROW, YIKES!) and so I came up with a ladder of my favorite exercises.

I made my (male) roommate come to the gym with me since he is the one who got me into this whole Tough Mudder thing in the first place and I am pleased to say that he was DYING and I was only medium fatigued. He may be able to run a sub-7 minute mile, but I got his ass beat on box jumps and burpees.

Ass Kicking Total Body Workout

1 mile treadmill run
10 pushups
20 box jumps
30 burpees
20 box jumps
10 pushups
ABC plank (hold N for 20 seconds)
1 mile treadmill run
10 bicep curls with bar
20 bent rows with bar
30 tricep bench dips
20 bent rows with bar
10 bicep curls with bar
ABC plank (hold T for 20 seconds)
1 mile treadmill run
10 pendulum reaches (each leg)
20 single leg squats (10 each leg)
30 squats with bar (15 regular, 15 plie)
20 single leg squats (10 each leg)
10 pendulum reaches (each leg)
ABC plank (hold V for 20 seconds)

Just a little information about some of the exercises:

1 mile treadmill run—make these fast miles. You are only running three of them and so try to kill it. Plus, the faster you run, the faster you’re done.

Box jumps—if you don’t have a gym membership or your gym doesn’t have boxes, you can do these outside, pretty much anywhere! Jump onto concrete benches or retaining walls.

Burpees—good luck, these are Satan’s exercises.

ABC Plank—this is fun to do with a partner. You both go up into a high plank (on hands rather than forearms) head-to-head and slap opposite hands once for each letter in the alphabet. Then hold hands for 20 seconds on the given letter. If you don’thave a partner, you can slap anything (bottom of machines or your box for box jumps works well) and then hold it.

Tricep dips—make sure you are truly working your triceps and not just bouncing your butt off the ground. Keep your elbows tucked into your body and keep them bent straight back.

Pendulum reaches—shift your weight into one foot and using a weighted plate or a dumbbell in your opposite hand, hinge forward at the waist, reaching the weight towards the ground in front of you. The leg that is not planted rises up into the air as you hinge forward. Keep your planted foot tall and strong, and you will feel the burn in the back of that leg (similar to a dead lift).

Single leg squats—place one foot behind you on a bench, stair, or box (so that it is raised) and squat down on your planted foot. I feel this burn in both legs.

If my descriptions were super unhelpful (which I’m sure they were), I highly suggest looking these moves up on YouTube and watching videos. That’s what I do when I don’t know how to do an exercise, as I’m a visual learner.

Good luck and happy sweating!!

Also, this is why I invented this workout...


Wednesday, July 16, 2014


Well. It’s mid-July. And my last post was…let me check back to when we all got around by horse drawn carriages and used things called flip phones… May 12.

Two months of silence. Pretty unintentional, I swear. I didn’t decide to stop writing, but the craziness of the end of the school year, combined with starting a summer nanny job, and the general lack of schedule in the summer clearly caught me.

Basically, I’m the world’s worst blogger, and for that I apologize profusely. Example: this week one of my friends mentioned that she had been reading my blog and asked why I stopped it. It took me a minute to figure out what blog she was talking about (while my little blog is way back in my brain screaming, “ME! ME! ME!”) and then to realize it had been months since I’d written.

So here I am, writing again. This lovely quiz has been going around the blogosphere, so I thought I’d fill it out to reintroduce myself by my new nickname, World’s Worst Blogger (you can call me WWB for short). Pretty sure I haven’t filled one of these out since MySpace was a thing…

1: What are you wearing? Workout pants and a bra.

2: Ever been in love? Yes I have.

3: Ever had a terrible breakup? Eh…felt terrible at the time I guess.

4: How tall are you? 5'6''

5: How much do you weigh? I just ate a bacon cheeseburger, an oreo malt, and half an order of French fries for dinner so I’d say…between 1 and 2 tons.

6: Any tattoos? Not yet, but soon I hope!

7: Any piercings? Got ma’ ears pierced at Claire’s a few years ago, because I am a classy adult.

8: OTP (one true pair, favorite fictional couple)? This is very hard for a TV junkie such as myself. Either Ross and Rachel or Joey and Pacey. (Am I the only person who had never heard this abbreviation before?!)

9: Favorite show? Friends.

10: Favorite bands? Another toughie. Right now I’m really into Sam Smith, I just bought his new album.

11: Something you miss? My BFF. Only one month until she moves home!

12: Favorite song? So hard. I’m super diggin’ Play It Again by Luke Bryan right now, perfect song for summer driving.

13: How old are you? 24.

14: Zodiac sign? Sagittarius. Is it bad that I don’t know how to spell my own sign? Thanks spell check!!

15: Qualities you look for in a partner? Independent, easy-going (because I am NOT), loyal friend, and able to banter/tease with me.

16: Favorite Quote? "Isn’t it nice to know that tomorrow is always a new day with no mistakes in it yet?” –Anne of Green Gables

17: Favorite actor? Lots of favorites…Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, Amy Poehler

18: Favorite color? Purple.

19: Loud music or soft? Have we met? Loud! 

20: Where do you go when you’re sad? For a run. Or to my parents house.

21: How long does it take you to shower? Only a couple minutes, I’m pretty efficient.

22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? My alarm goes off one hour before I need to leave my apartment.

23: Ever been in a physical fight? Why yes I have. 

24: Turn on? Openly affectionate, interesting stories to tell, and a sharp sense of humor.

25: Turn off? Selfishness, plan ruining

26: The reason I started blogging? I love to write and someone told me that I’m funny and I’m such a people pleaser that I figured I better give the people what they wanted. (You caught my sarcasm there, right?)

27: Fears? Throwing up.

28: Last thing that made you cry? When I was asked to be Millie’s godmother.

29: Last time you said you loved someone? Kissing my little’s goodbye on Friday?? Maybe?

30: Meaning behind the name of your blog? I wish I were Jackie Kennedy and it is a parody of the old TV show I Dream of Jeannie. It seemed clever at the time.

31: Last book you read? A Million Miles ina Thousand Years by Donald Miller. (Loved it!)

32: The book you’re currently reading? LoveDoes by Bob Goff. (LOVING IT SO MUCH!!!)

33: Last show you watched? Orange is the New Black. God bless Netflix.

34: Last person you talked to? My mother.

35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted? Best fraaaaand.

36: Favorite food? Ice cream.

37: Place you want to visit? So so so many on the list right now, but Adelaide, Australia just jumped to number one since by dear friend from there is in town right now.

38: Last place you were? My parental units house.

39: Do you have a crush? I wish. I miss having crushes.

40: Last time you kissed someone? It's been a hot minute.

41: Last time you were insulted? I work with children, so several times an hour, everyday. Today I was told by my 3 year old that I wipe her butt wrong.

42: Favorite flavor of sweet? Oh dear god chocolate.

43: What instruments do you play? Again, I wish.

44: Favorite piece of jewelry? Currently a locket that I bought at a street market in London, because I had the time set to England time so I would know what time it was where my sister was.

45: Last sport you played? Futbol.

46: Last song you sang? “What Does the Fox Say”

47: Favorite chat up line? “How you doin’…” –Joey Tribbiani

48: Have you ever used it? Negative.

49: Last time you hung out with anyone? Family dinner.

50: Who should answer these questions next? All y’all, since I love creeping on your answers!

Monday, May 12, 2014

A love letter to my knee

Dear Right Knee,

We’ve been through a lot together, you and me. We ran a marathon, got a steroid injection, and won a state championship. You bend hundreds of times everyday so that I can teach my students effectively.  You are a rock star on the daily and I don’t give you the love and attention you need to function normally.

In order to take better care of you, I went to see my new BFF, my physical therapist. She showed me how the way I run and the things I do cause you to break from the inside out. Our little friend, Right Meniscus, is fighting a losing battle to not snap in half thanks to the way I pound on you day after day on pavement or the treadmill.

I have some new exercises to do now that will help me learn how to move my body better so that you don’t swell up like an angry balloon every time I make you run more than a mile. Tomorrow, I’m having a running assessment done, where my BFF will tape me running and analyze the ways I’m hurting you and then give me some solutions that will help me in the long term. Because I don’t want to put us through cortisone injections every six months.

So Right Knee, I’m telling you that I’m in this. I’m going to work. Physical therapy is hard, it was hard even at the clinical assessment, but I’m going to work tirelessly so that I get you back on your A-game. Because I want you. All of you. You and me. Everyday.

I’ll put in the work and all I’m asking you to do is do your thing and heal up quickly. I want us to have a bright future full of uninjured soccer games, lack of doctor’s appointments, and maybe a few more 26.2 medals on my wall. I want us to be able to squat down and pick up future grandkids wrangle preschoolers every second of every day.

Apparently, dearest Right Knee, a lot of the issues are due to our amigo Right Hip who doesn’t want to do what he is told. He likes to force unnecessary stress on you and cause me to move my body in ways that are harmful to all my joints. He doesn’t get the support he needs from Right Butt Cheek, so I’m learning how to strengthen that as well. We need to work together, not tear each other apart (#sorrymeniscus). I’m ready to do the work, are you?

Sorry in advance for the half marathon on June 1 and the 12 miler I’m doing this weekend…

All my love,

Friday, May 9, 2014

Facts on Friday

Happy freakin’ weekend, y’all. It’s been a doozy of a week for me, so I am thrilled to finally be on my own time.

I’ve recently been getting a little bit more traffic thanks to a shoutout from the ever-badass Jen, so I thought I’d do a little truth telling to catch my new BFFs up on who I am and what I’m about.

1.     I am very loud. I talk loud, I whisper loud, I cry loud, I laugh loud.  As a child (and high schooler…) I had more than one teacher tell my parents at parent-teacher conferences that, “Carlye has two volumes: loud and louder.”

2.     I get irrationally angry about irrationally stupid things.  If there are no “good” parking spots left in my complex’s parking lot, I become enraged. If the locker I always use at the gym is already taken by the time I get there, I enter my workout in a funk. If my roommate gets in the shower right before I was going to, I curse him into oblivion in my head.

3.     My sister and I can speak to each other entirely in Friends quotes. It is my favorite show. My sister is also my best friend.

4.     I am fiercely loyal and desperately over-protective. The mama bear of my friend groups and an obnoxious older sister, I refuse to tolerate any of my babies getting hurt. If you hurt my friends or my sister, you’d best run. Run away and never return (NAME THAT MOVIE!).

5.     If I had a TV alter ego, it would be a cross between Monica from Friends, Leslie from Parks and Rec, Nick Miller from New Girl, and Miranda from Sex and the City. I know everybody hates Miranda, and I used to as well. Then I graduated college and realized that she is my spirit animal. I’ve embraced it now.

6.     I don’t share food. Do you watch Friends? I am a little bit like Joey…”JOEY DOESN’T SHARE FOOD!” If I paid for it, I am going to eat it and you can get your own. Lord help my roommates when they eat my food out of the fridge, since their lives are in danger.

7.     I have issues letting go of things, especially plans/ideas. If I want something and the store I went to doesn’t have what I want in my size/color, I will drive all over the metro area until I locate the thing I want. I will move mountains to keep plans. I latch on to something and refuse to let go.

8.     I love Myers-Briggs personality tests and enjoy thinking about what personalities the people I know have. I then judge them based on what I think they are. Like, “Oh, Dana is being such an E right now,” or “Mom really needs to tone down the J or I’m going to scream.” For the record, I’m an ENFJ.

9.     I am super close with my parents. I tell them almost everything and this weirds some people out. If I had a nickel for every time I told someone that I told my parents something and they responded, “You told your parents that?!?” I’d… have a lot of nickels.

10. Sometimes I refer to bloggers I have never met as my friends.

11. Most of my friends and family do not know that I have a blog.

12. I love school, always have, always will. That’s probably why I’m a teacher and going back to school for a Masters this fall.

13. I don’t have any problems that a good cry, some ice cream, and reading Harry Potter won’t fix.

14. I am probably the cheapest person you have ever met. Sister doesn’t throw money around and I very rarely buy “new” clothes. This being said…

15. I am a whore for a good thrift store. I love thrifting more than eating Chinese food in bed while watching a Ryan Gosling movie (which is saying something as that is one of my favorite pastimes).

16. I love babies. If I see one in public, I can’t help but make faces at it and wave and go all crazy-baby-lady. I have no desire to have my own baby now, but you’d best believe that if we ever meet, I WILL make friends with your baby before I make friends with you. I also awkwardly linger waiting to hold people’s babies and then become a baby hog. Once someone gives me a hit of that sweet smelling head and those kissable chubby cheeks, I ain’t letting go.

17. I make friends with random people everywhere I go. Seriously, I struggle when I make friends with people on planes and then have to say, “bye, have a nice life” a mere three hours later. I have inherited the gift of gab from my Gram and it’s something that I utilize on the regular, much to everybody else’s chagrin.

18. Also, I like fancy words like chagrin and juxtaposition.

19. Because of that, I kinda liked studying for the verbal section of the GRE. I’m also a nerd.

20. I have a very high pain tolerance thanks to my many injuries over the years.

21. But when I’m sick, I turn into the world’s biggest baby. I cannot fend for myself and I lie on the couch and cry when I get the sniffles.

22. I am absurdly stubborn; “obtuse” has been thrown around some as well. I prefer to do things on my own terms, and if you suggest something to me, I will probably reject it just to be difficult.

23. I am an early riser and a morning person. Can’t remember the last time I slept past 9:30. I am one of those annoying peppy happy morning people too, which makes me even more insufferable if you are not feeling it before 11:00 am.

24. I have anxiety and began taking medication for it in college. Through lots of trial and error, I have figured out what some of my triggers are and have learned how to manage the anxiety and keep it at bay. It’s something I live with and struggle with from time to time, but it has also forced me to tear down some of my own stereotypes.

25. Anxiety is something I rarely talk about, but want to talk about more. The social stigma and lack of discussion about mental health is detrimental to our society and is something I want to help change.

26. I am very anal when it comes to organization. I love anything color-coded or alphabetized. I bought a label maker not too long ago and it changed my life. Planners light my world on fire.

27. I serve on my church’s Youth Committee and help mentor and support the tweens and teens in my community. This also lights my world on fire.

28. I don’t think about faith much, but in the last year, I have started thinking about it more and more and have been really wanting to explore my faith (or lack there of). I am very turned off by the idea of “religion” as it seems to be used as a way to persecute people or justify atrocities, but lately I’ve been seeing new sides of faith. This excites me.

29. I was crying during my first kiss. I wish it was because the kiss was so gloriously romantic but it wasn’t. I was crying because I had burrs stuck in my hair and thought I was going to have to shave my head to get them out. I think he kissed me just to stop me from crying about something so stupid.

30. I have voted in every election I have been eligible for.

31. My first ever vote was for Barack Obama in 2008. I stand with him still.

32. I love cheese and believe that of all foods deemed unhealthy, cheese is the hardest to give up. Cheese is worth being fat for.

33. I swear a lot. I have a horrible potty mouth, but as a teacher, it gets stuffed out all day. That means that when the bell rings, all bets are off and I can curse like a damn sailor all fucking night.

34. I take things personally. I try not to, I really do. But if I find myself being criticized for anything, I can’t help but feel like it is a personal attack. I know this isn’t good and I’m working on it.

35. I come alive at sporting events. Any sport, any venue, and I’m fully committed. I am in my happy place when I am watching sports and in my element when I am screaming at a referee (or opposing team. Or opposing fans. Whatever).

36. I’m obsessed with scarves. I realized not too long ago that I wear a scarf almost everyday. Not sure how that happened, but this is a true story.

37. I bought my first ever bottle of perfume on Tuesday.

38. One of my favorite things in life is getting lost in a good book.

39. I can’t stand it when people don’t straighten out their shower curtains. Do you WANT to have mildew and mold? Spread that bad boy out once you get out of the shower, it seriously takes 7 seconds.

40. I tried going to therapy once in college and it wasn’t for me. After compiling this list of facts, I’m thinking I should reconsider that decision because I obviously have issues.

Well there you have it. 40 things you didn’t really care to know about me, but now you do. #41 should be that I excel at writing about myself.

Have a fantastic weekend!!

Monday, May 5, 2014

Caprese Quinoa

Y'all, something crazy happened to me yesterday: I cooked.

Like really cooked, not just read a recipe and tried to duplicate. I mean I invented a meal and made it and ate it and it tasted great. It's crazy. I know you are all looking at my blog and see the little "Eat Well" tab and think "who does she think she is? She can't cook and doesn't usually eat well." I know, I know, I had the same thoughts. But yesterday I did the unexpected and it was too delish not to share. (I'll even give you measurements even though I didn't use any. I subscribe to the eyeballing it philosophy. Which might be why I suck at cooking...hmmm)

Anywho without further ado, feast your eyes on my new brain child/food baby!!!

Caprese Quinoa


-1 cup quinoa, cooked following directions on the package
-15+ Grape tomatoes, slice 'em up (I usually HATE tomatoes and I kid you not this was my first time ever purchasing tomatoes from a grocery store, so I only used about 10-15 little ones, but if you are a tomato fiend, by all means, use more!)
-3 cloves garlic, diced or pressed (I did both by accident)
-1 cup fresh basil leaves, chopped up reaaaal fine (remember, Target now sells bags of basil in the produce section)
-1 package fresh mozzarella cheese, diced
-3 tablespoons olive oil
-Chicken (optional) 

Like all of my cooking, Caprese Quinoa was really easy to make. I enjoy making food that gets all mixed in one bowl so that the hardest task is stirring. (Seriously I'm the worst.)

1. Cook quinoa according to the directions on the package. If you want a little extra protein, cook some chicken.

2. While that is happening, cut up basil, tomatoes, and cheese.

3. Just as the quinoa is ALMOST done cooking, chop up/press the garlic into the pot and mix it in there. I love ALL THE GARLIC, so I like mine really strong. If you don't, you could add garlic in with the other stuff.

4. Add in other stuff (tomatoes, basil, mozzarella, olive oil, and chicken if you so choose) 

5. Get ready, this one's a doozy: stir and mix it until everything is evenly distributed.

6. Pretend you're in Italy, pour yourself a glass or three of wine and eat up!

Now that I'm on a caprese kick, does anyone else have any good caprese recipes?!

Thursday, May 1, 2014

May Favorite Things

Hi all!

After missing last month due to my vacation, I'm linking up with Emily and Ally for My Favorite Things. This is one of my favorite link-ups of all time, because I get to feel like a damn celebrity and I love reading what other people post about. I may or may not have bought three different products in the last two months that I discovered through this link up...

<div align="center">
<a href="" title="Beauty and the Greek"><img src="" alt="Beauty and the Greek" style="border:none;" /></a></div>

(ONE) Kindle                                                       treat yo self

I have spent the last few years being very anti-E reader. I love real books—the satisfaction of turning the pages, the way they smell (I liked smelling old books waaaaay before Carrie Bradshaw made it famous), and going to the library and wandering the shelves looking for a good read. However, after bringing 7 books to Europe for my two week trip (and reading all of them, thank you very much), I decided that buying a Kindle/Nook/electronic reading device made sense, particularly for travel. While I still prefer a real book to an electronic book any day of the week, I fell in LOVE with my Kindle on my trip to DC. I read three and a half books and the damn thing fit right in my purse. It is so nice to be able to read books without everybody knowing what you’re reading (and judging you)…why yes, the first thing I read on my Kindle was the 50 Shades of Grey series! Also, you can borrow e-books from the public library, which was my other concern about the Kindle: I rarely buy books because I am poor but I check all my reads out from the library fo’ free! And I can still do that with my Kindle. All in all, I’m sold!!

(TWO) Buff                                                          treat yo self

I bought a Buff from REI last month and it is one of my favorite purchases this year! These handy garments are super versatile, I think the box claims you can wear them 26 different ways, but I have only used it so far for running. I’ll wear it as a headband (which is thick and tight to my head) or as a neck or face warmer on cold runs. On one brutally windy run, Dana and I both had our Buffs over our ears and covering us from the eyes down. They seem a little overpriced, but they are super handy if you are outdoorsy like me. I can’t wait to take my Buff to the BWCA this summer for a camping trip!

(THREE) Red Pears

While doing Advocare, I rediscovered my love of pears. I used to eat fresh pears all.the.time. but I kind of forgot that they existed. Up until now, I’d only tried the yellow ones but I’ve been really into the red ones lately. While doing the Advocare cleanse, they were an excellent sweet treat. I even brought one with me to the professional soccer game I went to last Saturday night, since I couldn’t have pretzels, ice cream, hot chocolate, or participate in the beer garden. I looked super cool in the stands, eating my pear while everybody else drank beer and ate nachos (not).

(FOUR) Gold Bond Ultimate skin therapy cream

If you’ve checked out my blog before, you know that I live in the frozen-ass tundra better known as Minnesota. We have had an absolutely BRUTAL winter, weather-wise, and my skin has been 50 shades of dry and itchy. I should buy this magical cream in bulk, since I feel like I go through a tube per week. I use it everywhere and it is the ONLY lotion I have found that keeps my skin from drying out for a whole day.

(FIVE) Xhilaration watch                                         treat yo self

Our classroom clock was broken for a hot minute there (also known as 9 weeks) and so I knew it was time for me to become a watch-wearer. I usually just rely on my phone for the time (#millenialproblems) but as a teacher, I didn’t like that I had to get my phone out every time I wanted to see what time it was. I bought this watch at Target for $17 and it has been worth its weight in gold so far. I love the white color, it makes it look classy and more like jewelry. I love that the strap is stretchy and rubbery rather than leather or hard plastic that cuts into my skin. I love that it is a digital clock because I am so lazy that I don’t really like analog clocks (#millenialproblems). I love that it has a stop watch so I can use it for timing my planks or oven cooking. All in all, it’s my new child and I take it with me everywhere I go.

(SIX) MyFitnessPal App

When I started my 90-Day Challenge, one of the things I vowed to do was start tracking everything on MyFitnessPal. I think that this is one of the only promises I have kept, since most of the time, it is super easy to track food and exercise. I had a rough period (also known as spring break) where I didn’t log for a few days because I was busy/traveling/not in my routine/lazy, but other than that, I’ve logged almost everyday for three months! It helps me be more mindful of what I eat, and how much I eat. I am not super strict with my “diet” because I firmly believe that there are foods worth being fat for. But on a regular average workday, I am a rockstar at entering my eats and burns. The app holds me accountable and is very accessible, unlike a physical food journal which is easy to forget and not very discreet (#millenialproblems). Also, this app is free.

(SEVEN) Green Giant bags of basil

Also my friend during the Advocare cleanse, one of my true loves, BASIL, can now be bought in bulk. Can I get an AMEN?! I love me some basil, I put it in quinoa, spaghetti squash, salads, wraps, and even Mexican food. I love it that much. I grew my own basil last summer, until one of my bitchy neighbors stole my super cute vintage washtub planter from the back steps. So I have had to resort to buying the packaged kind and up until now, I paid $2.99 for approximately seven leaves. Then I found that Green Giant makes big bags of it, so I can eat it to my little heart’s desire. Also, I can indeed go through one of these bags before it goes bad. I love basil that much.

(EIGHT) Sriracha

Continuing with the Things That Helped Me Survive Advocare trend, I’ve finally fallen in love with Sriracha hot sauce. I know, Sriracha is soooo 2012. I’ve always thought I was kind of a lameass when it comes to spicy foods, but I realize now that I love me some spicy, burn-your-mouth goodness. I put Sriracha on my hardboiled eggs, sandwiches, beans and rice, quinoa, you name it. I know everybody and their mom has been raving about it forever, but I’m a late bloomer I guess. Either way, I’m hooked. I’m currently digesting a wonderful snack of hardboiled eggs and avocado drizzled with the red devil sauce. Yum.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

My Pre-Date Ritual

I’ve written about my dating life before and as I prep for a first date this evening, I thought I would share my pre-date ritual with you all.

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m not on the prowl for Mr. Right (in fact, I threw up in my mouth a little just typing that phrase). I am not super invested in dating or my romantic pursuits, and tend to get annoyed/smothered very quickly. So it should come as no surprise that I hate first dates. Like realllllly hate them. I have a few friends who claim they, “totally love first dates” and think they are super fun.

For real!

If you love first dates, I don’t understand your life. I hate first dates—they are awkward, especially if you are meeting someone from online. I don’t do well with awkward. I tend to make inappropriate comments or jokes to break the tension and that almost always backfires with me feeling more awkward than before. Usually I go into dates one of two ways: 1. Excited and thus nauseous and full of anxiety, OR 2. Unexcited, annoyed, and bored and thus full of dread. Realistically, I go into the vast majority of my first dates with the latter attitude, which I realize makes me a huge Debbie downer.


So to try to become more excited and “pumped up” for dates, I have, over the last few years, subconsciously created a Pre-Date Ritual, which I will chronicle for you here.

STEP ONE: Clarify details of said first date. Where is it? When do I need to get there? When do I need to leave my apartment by to arrive a fashionable 5-8 minutes late so that I’m not the first one there? Where can I park for free? (I refuse to pay to park. I’m not Donald Trump, people!)

STEP TWO: Groom nasty (probably greasy) short hair into something resembling the “stylish bob” my haircutter insisted she gave me. This process takes anywhere from 5 to 40 minutes depending on length since my last shower.

STEP THREE: Become frustrated with hair and feel ugly about self, so call a bestie or force roommate to give me a pep talk. This process also varies in length, which means I usually begin Pre-Date Ritual hours before actual date.

STEP FOUR: Change out of fugly granny panties into cute undies that make me feel like I’ve got my shit together. I believe you cannot be on your A-game if you are wearing nasty Hanes undies from Target that you bought four years ago.

STEP FIVE: Obsess over an outfit. Potentially take mirror selfies of outfits and send to friends to get their opinion (same rule applies for my Pre-Job Interview Ritual). Put together something tasteful clean and sophisticated acceptable to woo the gentlemen in question. Check for pit stains and smell thoroughly to make sure it isn’t a dirty shirt who tried to moonlight outside the laundry basket. Make certain not to wear a shirt that will display inevitable armpit sweat.

STEP SIX: In a burst of optimism, brush teeth. You never know.

STEP SEVEN: Spend a few more minutes obsessing over appearance. Decide outfit is all wrong and change 1-7 times.

STEP EIGHT: After GoogleMaps-ing the directions, leave apartment at a time that will allow arrival a few minutes late to avoid being a loser by themselves in a restaurant.

STEP NINE: Blast One Direction’s Best Song Ever as pump up music on car ride over. Try to get pumped up.

How could these hotties NOT pump you up?!

STEP TEN: Arrive, drive around until a free parking spot is located, and head in. Try to appear as though I have my shit together and didn’t just spend a few hours in either enthusiastic anxiety or mind-numbing dread while performing aforementioned Pre-Date Ritual.

Do any of you have a Pre-Date Ritual of your own?